12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My love language is hissing.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!