Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
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boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
what do you want!!!!!!!!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait