“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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Something Saturday.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags