*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You Might Also Like
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
this FaceApp is creepy af
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”