Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Fries, not lies.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
pelicons
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow