If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.