If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Going to church you guys need anything
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks