Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.