Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A wise man once said nothing.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.