Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Tier 3 meme
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself