oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*