I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Yup
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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Leaving the Barbers like
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Gods work.
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?