companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Cats are still liquid.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.