Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?