If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
#dalle2
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke