I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
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[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away