Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Ain’t no way
Natty or not?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.