The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry