water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Expect the unexporcupine.