Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.