Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?