My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
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I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living