5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”