[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.