“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.