I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT