*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.