I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart