Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button