2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Well, shit
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.