I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
good morning
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work