my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
when mom throws a party…
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient鈥檚 hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If my Roomba don鈥檛 like you, I don鈥檛 like you.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I鈥檒l be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I鈥檓 attracted to squirrels now.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he鈥檚 so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.