If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn