Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.