I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
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The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.