[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
You Might Also Like
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I wish I could veto my bills.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.