contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Best spot.. 😅
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Simple
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”