video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
You Might Also Like
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.