DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
$3 #books
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Mission: Impossible
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.