Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.