“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
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When can I start eating bats again.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.