When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
This week’s mood.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
plant them where lol
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
can’t catch a break