I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
*watches the world burn*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
kids play hide and seek like
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.