Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
can you read it!!??
maan!
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
When you’re Kinky but poor
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.