can you read it!!??
maan!
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“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Looking at you, Jesus.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”