Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
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A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
When someone trying to leave me
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