Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
You Might Also Like
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked