The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend