I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”