Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
repaired
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.