Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Nose
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
This is my brand.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.