I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies